Indian Bureaucracy Ever at the service of the people

INDIA – PLANNING FOR THE NATION

Cast

YOGESH NARAIN: Principal Secretary, Environment, of a State Government

NEELAKANTAN: Section Officer in NARAIN’s Department

RAM SINGH: Principal Secretary, Power, of the State Government

Place

The Secretariat of a State Government

Time

A few years go. Evening, around 6 PM.

THE SETTING:                                 YOGESH NARAIN’s office in the Secretariat of a Mega-City in India.

AS LIGHTS COME ON:                    YOGESH NARAIN is bent over a pile of files as his Section Officer, NEELAKANTAN enters.

YOGESH:                                           Ah, Neelkant! Come in, come in. It is against the rules to smoke here – but rules were never made for you and me. I know you like cigars, have a Havana.[offering cigar box. Pause. They light up and puff away with pleasure] I called you, Neelkant, to help me with a most important matter. The Government of India has asked me – not this State government, they know nothing about it – as I said, Delhi has entrusted me with a very important task. I must work out the details of a new Ministry, Neelkant! If I go to Delhi, you are coming with me as Deputy Secretary! Promotion would be well merited – I shall insist.

NEELAKANTAN:                             [expertly flicking ash into a tray on the desk] Sir! Always willing to serve you and the Nation!

YOGESH:                                           The problem is it will create a heavy drain on the government’s resources, which we can’t afford. PM warned me about that. The PM took a leaf out of Obama’s book – and said we must do it before the Americans! And we means You and Me.

NEELAKANTAN:                             The PM for all his academic innocence is very shrewd.

YOGESH:                                           Exactly! That’s why he chose me – and I choose you. But, let me start at the beginning. The economy is beyond repair. Nobody can do a thing about it – but in the meantime we have to appear proactive, caring, confident enough to look after the last man, so to speak. We have to give that impression – and quickly – you are getting my point, Neelkant? [NEELKANTAN nods gravely] We – hear that, Neelkant! – we are to set up the Disabled Ministry! The concept is absolutely brilliant! I give credit to the PM for that. If we set up a special ministry for all the halt, the lame, and the blind, people will say, ‘Hey, these fellows are absolutely cool and collected, they are not scared, they have a plan.’ It will win votes, Neelkant!

NEELAKANTAN:                             [enthusiastically] Pensions for all the Disabled! Empowered to draw funds from nationalized banks at zero interest!

YOGESH:                                           Neelkant, all that for later. First, we must make sure we do not annoy the Americans, this is my big concern, by showing too much liberality. My fear - and I may say, the PM’s fear - is that every loafing man-jack will turn up saying he is disabled, and in need of a subsidy. We must prevent the disabled from coming in droves – except for people we know, of course. How do we manage that, Neelkant?

NEELAKANTAN:                             [laughs quietly]: Sir, we ask the PM to move the Disabled Services Bill in Parliament! Every party will smell something in it for themselves. It will take a few years to become Law. That will give us some time to organize the Ministry, and special task forces in every State.

YOGESH:                                           [doubtfully] Brilliant! But still that only buys a little time, Neelkant, doesn’t solve the key issue of how we can develop a full-fledged Ministry – perhaps the key development Ministry for the future – without giving away benefits to the disabled poor.

NEELAKANTAN:                             [unperturbed] First, we set up a Commission to study its proper implementation.

YOGESH:                                           Okay, that wins us three more years respite. What then?

NEELAKANTAN:                             [laughs aloud, and then speaks with authority] Sir, only those identified by the Commission as coming under the purview of the Act can benefit. If I am on the Commission, I will disqualify anyone who can come to any of our offices, or even pen an appeal to us, as ‘Not Disabled.’ For instance, if he were really ‘Disabled,’ how can he come to our office, or appeal? The very fact that he is ‘able to appeal’ disqualifies him by definition from being ‘Disabled!’

YOGESH:                                           [anxiously] But these civil society busybodies – these gutter inspectors, as I call them – they will reel off Public Interest Litigations in every court!

NEELAKANTAN:                             [with calm majesty] Let them, Sir, let them! It will only delay matters. The courts will not go against the meaning of the Act, or against the advice of the Special Commission.

YOGESH :                                          [almost convinced, takes a turn about the room, smoking furiously]: I think you are right, but at the same time, we must be seen to do something.

NEELAKANTAN:                             [thumping the table]: Yes, Sir! We will be doing a lot! Once we have completed identification of the ‘really disabled’ that is, those who are immobile at home, we from the Ministry will reach out to them with ‘Services.’ We will start by giving them a bowl of rice everyday! This will be announced through the electronic media and the press three years in advance!

YOGESH:                                           Good, very good! That will win votes… and strict control will please the Americans. But you know… totally incapacitated people… there must be quite a lot of them in a huge country like ours… especially among the poor!

NEELAKANTAN:                             Sir, many will die before the survey is completed!

YOGESH:                                           True, true, but many will survive, too many, you know… and think of all the cost of procuring the rice?

NEELAKANTAN:                             Costs can be reduced by making Hindu ashrams and temples responsible for the feeding. The World Bank will approve.

YOGESH:                                           But acceptable to all? What about Christian disabled, or, or, Muslims? They will kick up a fuss if a Hindu temple gives them food!

NEELAKANTAN:                             Sir, we are a secular country, religion should not be brought into development activity. Also, the Americans will approve… a subtle twist in the War Against Terror!

YOGESH:                                           [cheering up at the word ‘Americans’] That’s true. I think you have got it! Good! Now we can proceed. But there will still be costs involved in the establishment of the Ministry.

NEELAKANTAN                              The temples will naturally ask the beneficiaries to give a donation for charity. We can work out a ‘special development levy’ to be charged on temples and recover some costs.

YOGESH:                                           You have forgotten something crucial, Neelkant! You have forgotten that rice always costs money!

NEELAKANTAN:                             No, Sir! I have not forgotten! We can work out a special Income Tax Exemption Clause for Rice Millers undertaking development activities for the disabled. They will come running to make supplies at concessional rates.

YOGESH :                                          [bemused] Will Government approve tax exemptions?

NEELAKANTAN:                             [smiling confidentially] Just think, Sir! Empanelment of millers will take place only after approval by the Minister! That is likely to happen only – and only if – the miller can assure votes in his region. Two birds with one stone, Sir!

YOGESH:                                           [in admiration] Two birds, did you say? You have got the whole bloody aviary if you ask me!

[The Power Secretary RAM SINGH puts his head in through the door]

RAM SINGH:                                     Yogi! Thought I would catch you here, plotting as usual! I would love a cigar, may I? [lights up one] Yogi! I am in the devil of a fix! The government wants me to cut back on power supplies to all sectors – at the same time I am instructed not to offend anyone as Elections are coming up! How can I do that, Yogi?

YOGESH:                                           My dear Goat, let’s put the problem to Neelkant, he’s the ‘Jeeves’ of my department. I bet he can solve it in a jiffy.

NEELAKANTAN:                             [thoughtfully] The most vociferous are middle-class urban domestic users – we must silence them first. Sir, there is always a trade-off between supply to the urban domestic sector and the agriculture sector…[making up his mind] Sir! Let us have a Revolution!

[Both Secretaries jump out of their chairs]

RAM SINGH and YOGESH:             [scream together]: What!

NEELAKANTAN:                             Yes, Sir, a Revolution! Our low-caste farmers can be informed that their lands are dying because rich urban Brahmin householders are guzzling power. A March to the City can be organized, and we can suggest to the marchers that they establish vigilante groups to see that no lights are switched on in the city!

RAM SINGH:                                     [bemused, but willing to be enlightened] Brilliant! - But farmers will start guzzling power with their pump-sets. My task is to cut back power supply, not re-channel it.

NEELAKANTAN:                             No problem, Sir! Farms are widely distributed in rural areas. Because of the disturbed conditions in the City, the Police will declare Section One-Forty-Four operative – this will keep the Press and News Media away – then Police and Army can be widely deployed to see that no pumps are switched on anywhere.

YOGESH:                                           There will be violence, mark my words.

NEELAKANTAN:                             [with one of his rare smiles] Yes, Sir! The Police are quite expert at that. A lot more people will be rendered ‘disabled.’

RAM SINGH:                                     What about the business sector? Have you a scheme for them as well?

NEELAKANTAN:                             Certainly, Sir! They are to stop all operations!

[Both Secretaries jump out of their chairs again]

RAM SINGH and YOGESH:             [together] Are you mad, Neelkant!

NEELAKANTAN:                             No, Sir, just practical. Government will give them a ten-year tax holiday to help them shift their operations to the newly designated Very Special Economic Zone. All the power saved can be exported to this Zone. Everyone of note has already shifted residence to this zone, Sir, with its gated communities, watered lawns and golf courses. The money earned by the export of power will used to build a Circular Flyover round the City, which can be used for Formula One racing. Ferraris will be whizzing over our heads all the time! The promoter is looking for a new Formula One location.

YOGESH:                                           Will Government approve?

NEELAKANTAN:                             Of course, Sir! There is pressure from the sons of Ministers – they  have been promised Ferraris!

RAM SINGH:                                     Good Lord, Yogi! The air, as it is, is un-breathable. Every half-educated computer programmer now owns a car. Even air-conditioners cannot filter out the guck. If Formula One comes to town we are done for!  

NEELAKANTAN:                             If you will take my advice, Sir, both of you, reserve plots for yourself at the Very Special Economic Zone, without delay.

YOGESH:                                           Can we do that, Neelkant?

NEELAKANTAN:                             Certainly, Sir. My colleague, Krishna of General Admin, is in charge. Some of the best plots have already gone, but I have told him to keep the back row in reserve. You get a beautiful view from there, but he can’t hold it for long.

YOGESH:                                           All right then, we will go down this Sunday to have a look.

NEELAKANTAN:                             [authoritatively] A very good decision, Sir. It is still known only to a few, but there is an idea to cede the territory to the American government on a 99-year lease. We may soon require papers to get in there at all!

RAM SINGH:                                     Surely, Parliament will not permit that?

NEELAKANTAN:                             [calmly, getting up to leave] There is historical precedent, Sir. I believe the Mughal Emperor authorized the East India Company to establish similar enclaves at Surat, and Madras. 

YOGESH:                                           Permit me.

[YOGESH gets up and switches on a CD-player. Strains of ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ fill the room. All three join hands and hop around in time to the music as lights fade]

END OF PLAY