TIGER, TIGER, FADING FAST…
A Play in Two Scenes
Cast of Characters
HON’BLE MINISTER FOR COMMUNITY
HEALTH
AND TIGER PROJECT,SHRI
RAMDHUN PRASAD: A fat well-fed man of indeterminate
middle-age, always in a hurry, unable to hold his temper.
SURYAPRAKASH RAO, CHIEF
CONSERVATOR OF FORESTS: A wiry older man with graying hair, calm, sure of
himself
P.YUGANDHAR,D.F.O.: Young, callow, anxious to please
higher ups
BAHADUR SINGH,I.F.S.: A old Conservator of Forests
MEENA KUMARI,PRINCIPAL,
LADIES JUNIOR
COLLEGE: A
large determined lady
JENEKA AHRENS: Head of Dutch Health
Delegation
SHYAMLAL: P.S. to Minister
SHILPA: A XI Class
student
PRATIMA: A XI Class
student
HEERA: A XI Class
student
MADHU: A XI Class
student
APARNA: A XI Class
student
Sundry Forest Department
Officials, Rangers, Attenders, as
well as Ladies Junior
College Staff, and students of XI
Class
Scene
Conference
Room in the Forest Department, and later
Lecture
Hall in Ladies Junior College
Time
The
present
THE SETTING: The
main Conference Room in the Forest Department. In the centre is a long table,
made up of three tables put together and covered by a red table-cloth. Chairs
are ranged round the table, with thick files on the table in front of every
chair. Pictures of Indira Gandhi, Rajiv Gandhi, Sonia Gandhi hang on back wall.
Below pictures, a banner reads: CONF. ROOM FOREST DEPT.
An air of bustle, attenders leave
after a last flick of the duster;
officials come in, wearing bush shirts and trousers, and seat themselves round the table;
some feverishly going through stacks of files, others doodling on pads, and
some drinking copious glasses of water.
ATTENDER[rushing in]‘Minster Sahib’ is here!
[As he exits, the MINISTER,followed by CHIEF
CONSERVATOR, enter talking. The MINISTER
is dressed in faultless white khadi kurta pyjama and Gandhi cap; the CHIEF
CONSERVATOR
in gray safari suit]
MINISTER[ his voice slowly rises to a crescendo] I am holding Independent
Charge of a number of Important portfolios: I am handling the Prime Minister’s
Tsunami Fund; the Late Jawaharlal Nehru’s Housing Scheme for Widows; the Late
Indira Gandhi’s Adopt a Village Plan for Corporates; the Late Rajiv Gandhi’s
Drinking Water Programme for Tribals; and Project Tiger. When I ask to see Tsunami
victims, I am submerged in a sea of
them; when I look around for villages to be given in adoption, there are half a
million; there is no shortage of widows or tribals, either. But when I ask you
high-paid forest conservators to show me one tiger – just one tiger – you turn
up here with excuses! What do you mean there are no tigers in the Mahatma
Gandhi Tiger Reserve! We have just spent ten million dollars on it! And the
Director of World Wildlife is to visit it next week accompanied by the
President herself! [gathering himself] This looks to me like a political move to
discredit me – whoever is doing this – and I can easily get to the bottom of
this bad political game – he will suffer, I can promise. [shouting] And you do this to me! I am the Minister who has created
more jobs for conservators than anyone else. I said in the Cabinet, I don’t
care if there are more conservators than tigers – I want two trailing every
tiger, everywhere. And now you do this to me – the keynote speaker of The
Global Jungle 2006 Conference in Washington!
BAHADUR
SINGH: Sir, We all know the urgency, the importance of the occasion. We have
made all arrangements in the Mahatma Gandhi Tiger Reserve. The best cooks have
been flown in from Delhi.
There will be dances by Tribal girls from Assam. They dance in all important
State events, and have received training in tribal dancing in Paris. The Guesthouse is beautifully
decorated. But tigers, we could not see. I am an old man, with diabetes and
blood pressure. Sir, I walked over every inch of the area in the boiling heat.
See, Sir, the blisters on my feet…[removes
shoes and socks]
MINISTER[making a face] Arre, bhai,
I don’t doubt your sincerity. But tigers are not to be seen by slow old men.
They don’t sit on the roadside for photo-ops. They hide. Someone has to pull
them out by the tail when the American comes, or, or, I will close down the
department. I will outsource the whole job to West India Hotels! If they were
in charge, they would have brought tigers from Africa
if I had asked them.
THE CHIEF CONSERVATOR: Sir, the poachers,
Sir, have played havoc. If you had not permitted that paper company to build
those forest roads, Sir, I warned…
MINISTER:
Nonsense! Nation building cannot stop just because of some animals, or careless
departmental work. Now, what about that child that was attacked and killed in
that village, what was it called, near the Reserve? TV stations made so much
fuss. Anyway that shows there was a tiger.
BAHADUR SINGH: Sir, it was a pig that bit
the child. Sepsis set in, and since there was no doctor…
MINISTER:
A pig! I can’t show a pig to the American!
P.YUGANDHAR[brightly] Sir, I saw a leopard, only two weeks ago, leaping across
a glade. It was gone in a flash!
MINISTER[with satisfaction] There! I knew there
will be tigers. Enthusiastic young men work! You will go far. Now, tell me, how
do you know it was not a tiger? It was gone in a flash. Most probably it was a
tiger you saw in the bad light. In a tiger forest there are tigers, not
leopards.
P.YUGANDHAR[a little confused] Sir, it was mid-day,
Sir. It had spots, Sir, it…
MINISTER: Spots, warts, how do we know?
When a tiger leaps, stripes look like spots. Find this tiger; our American
guest must see it next week. This must be done, whatever else you people do.
THE CHIEF CONSERVATOR: When Lord Willingdon was Viceroy, he used
to go on hunting parties, I believe…
MINISTER[in frozen anger] You are a conservator, Sir, not a manager of a
hunting party! My God, I am surrounded by incompetents. You will lose your job,
and get the Prime Minister to dismiss me as well. Hunting is banned; you can’t
kill a rabbit without getting jailed.[then very slowly] We-must-show-a-tiger-to-this-American,
do you understand? Not kill one for sport!
THE
CHIEF CONSERVATOR[persisting] My
Submission is that there is a solution, if Honourable Minister permits?
MINISTER:
Of course, I permit. I know the solution. What is the
solution?
THE
CHIEF CONSERVATOR: A tiger used to be taken in a special compartment of the
Viceroy’s train so that it could be shot at the appropriate spot. In this case,
since there is some urgency, and His Excellency the President is also coming, I
submit, if Honourable Minister permits, we procure a good tiger from a zoo.
MINISTER[slowly as light dawns] Yes, yes, I leave details to you. I know
nothing of all this. But…[wheeling round] you can’t show a tiger on a chain. It
must somehow be free, in the jungle.
P.YUGANDHAR[more brightly than before] Sir, we will release it at some
distance, and then with some noise chase it towards the road where you and the
foreign delegation will be passing!
MINISTER: No!
No! You will get us killed. Or my armed ‘Black Cat’ guards will kill it in
front of BBC, and CNN cameras. You will finish all of us. How many days of
service have you left, before retirement?
THE CHIEF
CONSERVATOR[persisting]We will dope
the animal, Sir, and lay it under a tree by the roadside. You will all see it…[moves his hands dramatically]You will be
silent so as not to wake the tiger. He will be lightly doped, so you will see
the tail twitching. I and my staff will duck into covered pits when we hear the
cars approach. After Honourable Minister and foreign delegation leave, we will
come out, tie up the animal, and take him back to the zoo.
MINISTER[happy at last]: Ah! Suryaprakash Sahib!
Excellent idea! Old is gold as always. Young people go to cinemas, do nothing,
get lazy. All forest officers must learn from you. Make sure it is a good
looking animal. And, mind, no accidents!
THE CHIEF CONSERVATOR[ softly with satisfaction]:Honourable Minister can depend upon me.
I have much experience in these matters.
[As everyone leaves,
Attenders rush in, remove the two end tables, table cloth, and several chairs.
Only central table and three chairs are left. Finally the banner is turned back
to front. It now reads: LADIES
JUNIOR COLLEGE. The
photos stay. Several girl students rush in and join the audience. THE PRINCIPAL
ushers in THE MINISTER and JENEKA AHRENS, who take chairs, while Forest officials and SHYAMLAL, who stand at the back]
THE PRINCIPAL: Girls! We are privileged to welcome Ms Jeneka –
Yeneka – Ahrens, Head of the Dutch Health Delegation to our state, and the
Honourable Minister for Community Health and the Tiger Project, Shri Ramdhun
Prasad! Stand up and give them a big hand!
[The girls comply, long and
vigourously]
MINISTER: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Miss Jeneka,
Principal Sahiba, it is my pleasure to
be in this most famous college, celebrating its centenary this year! I am
particularly happy to see such bright faces in front, to whom Miss Jeneka and I
will be talking about preventive health care.
ALL THE GIRLS[in a chorus]
Tell us about the Tigers, Sir! Please, Sir, tell us about the Tigers, first,
Sir!
[They all clap and keep repeating
their request]
THE MINISTER: All right, all right, Ladies, we will take the
Tigers first! I have to let you into a great secret! Are you ready? [He pauses dramatically]The Tigers have
multiplied fastest in our State! We have more tigers roaming our forests than
some other countries in the world![The
girls clap enthusiastically, THE MINISTER signals for quiet]
If you will all turn around, you will see projected on the
screen at the back the latest pictures, taken only last week, of the healthy
state of our forests and the tigers![pointing
straight ahead as girls crane their necks to look] See! What beautiful
thick jungle! Full of green trees! I won’t name names but some foreign agents
for their own purposes want to create a scare about our environment! There! See
that Tiger – see how healthy he looks! The forest abounds…
SHILPA[cutting in loudly]:
Sir! Sir! But at the bottom of the photo, Sir! It reads National Geographic
Society, Cambodia
1962, Sir! It says Sir, 1962, Sir,
Cambodia, Sir!
MINISTER[turning angrily
to forest officials behind him]:Why have wrong photos been mixed up with my
presentation? Who’s responsible?
BAHADUR SINGH [stoically]
We always use this picture, Sir, to World Bank, European Union, very
successfully, Sir. The problem is this big screen – in this you can read the
lettering.
THE MINISTER: Well, a mix up. Never mind the pictures! Where are
the plaster casts of pug marks? I want a ranger to pass these pug-mark casts
around so the girls can see, and feel, how large is a tiger’s foot.
[A ranger runs forward,
and distributes plaster casts among the girls]
THE MINISTER [continuing]
Our Forest Officials know each tiger like his own child. All these pug-mark
casts you hold in your hand are of several different tigers! How can I tell?
Well, I can’t, I’m only a Minister! But our expert officials can tell, like
scientists can tell the differences in our finger-prints!
PRATIMA: Sir! Sir! They are all of the same pug mark, Sir! Yes,
Sir, I can tell, Sir. This third nail is chipped in every one of the casts in
the same way, Sir! They are all of the same tiger, Sir!
[Several girls nod, and
put up their hands]
THE MINISTER: Nonsense! Nonsense! Of course they look alike,
tiger pug-marks will look alike, but you have to be an expert to know the
difference. Let me see what the girls are saying, bring me one here! [A ranger rushes forward with a cast] Yes,
yes, I see what you mean, but this is a crack in the plaster, not a chipped
nail as you mistakenly said. Never mind, you will learn more as you grow older.
Now where was I? Our forests abound with tigers and every form of wildlife
because of the scientific environmental regeneration that has taken place since
I became Minister. I will take no personal credit – I am only the force behind the movement – the
credit goes to my colleagues here…
[stretches out his arms as
if to embrace the officials standing at the back] Now on the screen at the back
you are being shown a stream in spate rushing down the Nallamalai Hills. See!
What a sight! Go for a picnic there, but only with a teacher, we don’t want any
of you clever children being drowned by accident!
HEERA: Sir! My father is a contractor, Sir, building food for
work roads in the Nallamalai Hills, Sir. I spent three weeks there! There’s not
a drop of water to drink, Sir! People are migrating, Sir!
THE MINISTER[with
exasperated patience] My dear child, ours is a huge, huge country! Perhaps,
in the tiny corner where your father is there might possibly be some…
temporary… short supply, but elsewhere it is torrential, that’s the only way to
describe it! Any other questions? If not, we will move on to the really
important part of this programme – Community Health, Preventive Health Care –
how all of you should take care of yourselves! Miss Jeneka… Miss Yeneka… Miss
Jen-Jeneka is kindly here from Holland
– that beautiful country, and she has given us a very generous grant for our
health programme. Please, all of you, give her a great hand!
[The girls clap enthusiastically.
JENEKA AHRENS gets up, and bows]
JENEKA AHRENS: Perhaps, I should say something now? I am indeed
very happy to be with all of you young women, who carry the responsibility for
your society on your young shoulders. Health as you know is of the greatest
importance, for young women, for young mothers – as you will soon be – for
everyone; so we in Holland
are very happy to contribute to that. Thank you! [She sits down. The girls clap again]
THE MINISTER[seizing the
initiative once again]: As Miss Jeneka – Yeneka has said, health is of the
greatest importance. I have – my department has – eradicated several diseases,
and ensured your safety. I have eradicated smallpox! I have eradicated polio! I
have eradicated leprosy!
MADHU [helpfully]: There
are several of them outside the College gates, Sir!
THE MINISTER [mystified]
Who? What?
MADHU: Lepers, Sir! We have a big colony on the vacant plot
outside the gates, Sir! They come to the gates when we leave, Sir! We give them
money, everyday, Sir!
SEVERAL GIRLS [in chorus]:
Oh! Yes, Sir! There are many. We even give them food, Sir!
THE MINISTER [turning
round to Shyamlal] Why was I not told of this? Why am I not informed that
they are right here? Shyamlal! You are in charge of my briefing notes!
[turning back to the
students, and speaking very slowly]They may look like lepers, but let me
assure you, they are not lepers. You are just starting college, naturally you
do not know. It takes a highly qualified doctor to tell the difference who is a
leper and who is not. But let us talk of prevention.
I am here, my government is here, to promote preventive health care. The
greatest danger lies in HIV-AIDS! The government must take responsibility for
free supply of condoms, absolutely free, and easily available – all western
countries are following this policy. I fought with the Finance Minister, I can
tell, at one point offered my resignation, but then, the President himself
intervened, and so…Shyamlal show everyone samples of the latest model of sturdy
condoms, designed by me and manufactured locally!
[SHYAMLAL runs forward with
an open cardboard carton of condoms]
THE PRINCIPAL [intervening
firmly]:This may not be the appropriate moment, Honourable Minister. This
is a girls college, Sir! Almost none of them is married. Our parents would
object.
THE MINISTER [recovering]:
Yes, I see, what you mean! Yes, of course, condoms should be shown only to married couples. Make a note,
Shyamlal!
APARNA [loudly from the
front row] Then, that’s only a family planning measure, Sir. It would have
nothing to do with curbing AIDS, Sir! Of course, the couple could use them for
chance extra-marital relations, Sir!
THE PRINCIPAL: Aparna! I shall speak to you later!
APARNA [defiantly] Why shouldn’t we be shown
condoms, Ma’am? Oh! But these are meant for
boys? [holds up one she takes out
of the carton before Shyamlal can stop her]
What use are these to us? Oh! Sirrr, are we supposed to help
boys put them on, Sir? How’s that to be done, Sir?
[ Many girls clap, some
start chanting: ‘How’s that to be done, Sir?’Much giggling from the back]
THE PRINCIPAL[standing up
and speaking very loudly] Honourble
Minister! Ms Jeneka Ahrens! Our students, staff, and I thank you for so
graciously agreeing to come to our college, despite several pressures on you
time, and at such short notice, to be with us in our centenary year. We have
all learned a great deal from both of you today, and I am sure the ladies of
this college will treasure this memory for years to come. Girls! Please stand
for the National Anthem!
[The girls join
enthusiastically in singing ‘Jana Gana
Mana’]
END OF PLAY
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