COW TRILOGY

Leader Cow: ‘That was brutal but had to be done. I’m glad I helped gore that heifer to death!’

New Cow: ‘Oh! What had she done?’

‘She ate holy alfalfa! That’s what she did! Deserved death!’

‘Isn’t that extremist…fundamentalist? Maybe you could have explained…’

‘No! It can only be death for eating holy alfalfa!’

‘But we eat napier grass, and even roadside flowers, so…’

‘I relish napier grass, elephant grass, flowers, plants, everything! But alfalfa is sacred, never forget!’

‘Horses eat alfalfa?’

‘Horses! Don’t talk to me about them! One day we will gore all of them to death!’

‘Leader Cow Ma’am, you got trounced in the farmyard elections.’

‘Nonsense! Pigs voted for pigs, chicks for chicks, goats for goats. Next time they will vote for me!’

‘If there’s a next time. Ma’am, our cows voted against you! You want them all to be black-and-white. Look around, they are all shapes and colours!’

‘Pure cows are black-and-white like me! If not, they have no place here! I’m pure Holstein-Friesian.’

‘No Ma’am, you’re cross-bred… that too by Westerners. Really, you’re foreign to the farmyard!’

‘You’ve got a big mouth. I’ll shut you up for good!’

‘I’m so happy Leader Cow Ma’am is here! All these Angus bulls, Devon heifers, Galloway calves were treating us like nobodies! Now they know we are real cows!’

‘Yes, by Jove! I’m building a cow temple in Kensington and getting real cow-dung to make it holy!’

‘Hey, but you cows are nowhere like Leader Cow. Your mothers were Kangayan, you’re not black-and-white!’

‘I’m black-and-white if I say so! Girs and Red Sindhis have now become black-and-white! Our black-and-white identity makes us proud!’

‘But back home the mood is changing…’

‘Shut up! Heil Fuhrerin! Heil Fuhrerin!’

‘Ducessa! Ducessa! Ducessa!’