Cast
US
SENATOR: Middle-Aged,
Fat, Jovial, in tropical suit
CUBAN REPRESENTATIVE: A Colonel in battle fatigues
Place
A
Conference Room in Hyderabad
Time
The
Present, daytime
AS LIGHTS COME ON: The
US
SENATOR and the CUBAN REPRESENTATIVE enter a rather plain conference room and
sit across the table from each other.
US Senator: I think I speak
for both of us in expressing thanks to our friends in Hyderabad
India
for facilitating this confidential consultation. It’s the first of its kind
between both our countries, and I sure am glad the Press is nowhere in sight.
Cuban Rep: That’s the way
you wanted it and we agreed.
US Senator: Yeah, what a
relief! Now, Colonel, we are met to take a first look at conditions you will
have to meet if the Embargo on Cuba
is to be lifted. I am not saying such a possibility exists now or ever, but
before such an eventuality can even be contemplated, we in the United States
would like to see some changes in your policies.
Cuban Rep: Senator, the
unjust and unilateral embargo imposed on Cuba for the last fifty years has
strangled our economy but not our spirit! However, the Comandante and the
President have entrusted me with the authority to negotiate with you for the
lifting of the embargo. Anything within reason we are willing to accommodate.
US Senator: Well, Colonel,
that’s the most reasonable statement we have heard from your government since
their unconstitutional takeover in 1959. What we need to see is palpable and
visible reform. That comes before anything else can happen.
Cuban Rep: What kinds of
reform?
US Senator: Encouragement
of private enterprise.
Cuban Rep: We have made a
beginning.
US Senator: Not enough. We
want to see openness.
Cuban Rep: We have opened
up the beaches for tourism.
US Senator: Yeah, but we
want to see you guys move towards the way Havana
was before 1959.
Cuban Rep: That’s a tough
call, Senator, so much has changed… but we have allowed some old practices to
come back out of respect for the American way of life.
US Senator: Such as?
Cuban Rep: Don’t get me
wrong, Senator, but Americans used to come to Havana in the old days for its hookers. Well,
there are some around again.
US Senator: Yeah, I noted
that. Good. That gives us some comfort. But we want it better organized along
with gambling for high stakes, you know, the way it used to be?
Cuban Rep: I thought you
believed in rugged individualism?
US Senator: Oh, we do, we
do, don’t get me wrong, but there’s got to be Big Business involved as well,
right? It doesn’t feel right if there is
no Mafia!
Cuban Rep: Senator, I
assure you crime does exist in Cuba.
US Senator: OK, but the way
it is right now, it’s unacceptable. And what’s even more un-American is your
Infant Mortality Rate, your Educational Statistics! Tell you what, Colonel,[leans forward whispering] it’s that
close to being considered WMDs, only the President has stayed a full-scale
attack on your island!
Cuban Rep: My God! But,
but, Senator, the WHO, UNESCO, have all lauded our performance…
US Senator: That set of
poofs! Look, Colonel, if you guys can produce a lower Infant Mortality Rate,
poor as you are, than the good old United States of America, how do
you think that makes us look? It’s a direct threat to our way of life, and we
will do everything to preserve it, you can bet your bottom peso!
Cuban Rep: What do you want
us to do?
US Senator: Look, we want
to be friends, OK? The President wants to end this embargo. You’ve got to be in
a position to receive US Aid! For Christ’s sake! We don’t want you to be
sending doctors and medical relief all over Latin America!
We want you to be more like Haiti!
Cuban Rep: More like Haiti?
US Senator: Yeah, out there
with a begging bowl. We want to see beggars out there on the streets of Havana, hookers, drug
pushers, to give us a sense of progress, of familiarity, savvy?
Cuban Rep: Let alone the
Comandante, Senator, even our women would go through the roof if I publicized
the price you are asking!
US Senator: Screw the
women! I’m glad the Press aren’t around, we don’t want Hyderabad-gate, do we?
Colonel, your Cuban women have got to conform with the rest. Why are they so
educated? Why do they have so many top jobs? We want to see more illiterate
women out on this island! Right now, the way they are is a direct military
threat, and that’s a fact.
Cuban Rep: It will take
more than a generation to do that!
US Senator: The question
is, Are you serious about wanting the Embargo lifted or not?
It’s
not all that difficult, Colonel, if there is political will. Get everyone to
pay for medicines, for hospital care, for schooling. Don’t give away nothing
for free, ever! Give jobs only to a few, around your Fidel Castro, we don’t
care. That’s the wonderful thing about Capitalism! You don’t have to worry about
how to do these things, it all happens automatically, the rich get richer, the
poor we always have with us, you get US Aid to give them, we station our troops
over here, you are happy, we are happy, see?
Cuban Rep: I see what you
mean, Senator, but it is wholly impossible to make literate people illiterate.
US Senator: Nonsense! Look
around here in lil’ ole’ Hyderabad.
The Indians know how to do it. Everything here is run in English, the
government, business, universities, everything! If Cuba went English tomorrow, I’ll
bet my bottom dollar you will have a healthy record of illiteracy!
Cuban Rep: [standing up] Thank you, Senator. I will
report to my superiors about your terms.[hesitating]
Actually, I was a little worried you might bring up the question of dissidents
in jail.
US Senator: [standing up, smiling] Nah, who cares! We
have over three million guys locked up back home right now, it’s been good for
privatizing the jail business. All our friendly countries have jails bursting
with people, and that’s okay with us.
Cuban Rep: Most of the men
in Cuban jails were trained by the CIA, Senator.
US Senator: That true? Tell
you what. You work along the lines I have suggested, and we will take them all
back and shove them into Guantanamo,
you have my word for it! [They shake
hands]
LIGHTS OUT
END OF PLAY
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